Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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