so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
