I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
