he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
