I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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