whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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