I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She said her name was "party"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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