omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
