ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
