i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
