Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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