I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
