Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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