stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
