i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
