Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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