Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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