your parents love me but you hate me
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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