just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
