do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Houston, we have a blender
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
