OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
