I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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