Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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