my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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