maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
