So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
