my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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