I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
