All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My liver is preforming stress tests.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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