the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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