The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
