i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
