Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
