brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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