i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
