Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no you cant smoke seaweed
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
