We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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