And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
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I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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