How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
