She is in my trunk
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and i looked up. we had an audience...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
