Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
