Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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