in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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