I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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