I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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