Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
