i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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