I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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