genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
