I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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