im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
