We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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