Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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