I wanna bring you to show and tell
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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