I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
