yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
