You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
