when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i dont even know how to be here
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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