I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
