I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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