I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
