Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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