dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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