the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
