no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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